


Non Sum Qualis Eram

by Sashataakheru



Category: Electric Light Orchestra RPS
Genre: Abortion, Angst, Body Dysphoria, Community: queer_fest, Drunk Sex, F/M, Grief, M/M, Miscarriage, Mpreg, Transphobia, alternate universe: transgender, dub con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-06
Updated: 2012-06-06
Packaged: 2017-11-07 01:34:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/425461
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sashataakheru/pseuds/Sashataakheru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It doesn't feel like enough time has passed since the pregnancy.  It's hard enough to talk about it with people who know all his secrets. He's not sure he's ready to tell the one who got him pregnant in the first place. Why does he expect Jeff will even understand anyway? Set early April 1982.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Non Sum Qualis Eram

**Author's Note:**

> Written for queer_fest 2012 for the prompt: 'RPF, Electric Light Orchestra, FtM!Bev Bevan, he's been living successfully as a man for decades, but one night of careless sex has left him pregnant and he has no idea how to deal with it.'
> 
> Thanks to somethingfeline for helping me wrangle this fic into shape. <3

They hadn't talked since the last tour finished in late February. It hadn't just been because the band had decided to take a break. Bev had also wanted some time to himself, without Jeff buzzing around his head. He hadn't particularly planned for them to talk again now that it was Easter, but Jeff had been in town visiting his family, and he'd come round that Easter Saturday evening. Bev couldn't think of an excuse to send him away. Instead, he handed him a small bag of Easter eggs and led him through to the backyard.

"I've done most of them. Those are the last ones. Just hide them around the yard. Not too hard, though. He's only two," Bev said. He had another bag of eggs in his hand, ready to scatter around the garden.

"Seems like a lot of chocolate for one little lad, Bev," Jeff commented as he hid an egg under the foliage of a nearby pot plant.

Bev smiled at him as he left the deck and headed out to the yard. "Well, it's no fun if only he gets to hunt for his chocolate, is it? Come on, we can go inside once we've hidden them all."

Jeff moved off in the opposite direction, looking for places to hide the eggs. He'd just left the last one hidden in a pile of small pebbles when he noticed the small memorial stone nearby. He knelt beside it, touching it gently as he traced the letters with his fingers.

"For the child who didn't make it'," Jeff read softly. "I didn't know they'd lost a child. Surely he'd have said something."

Bev noticed too late to distract him from it and went over to him. Jeff would probably want some sort of explanation. He wasn't particularly sure he wanted to talk about it just yet, but perhaps it was better to get it over with sooner rather than later. If he sent him away without explaining it, he'd just nag him until he gave in.

Jeff glanced up at him as he saw him standing there. "Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd lost a-"

"It's yours. Was yours. I'm sorry," Bev murmured.

It took a moment for Jeff to realise what he'd said. He didn't know how to react. He had assumed the child had been Val's, but if it was his, and he'd never slept with her, that must mean- but surely he was mistaken- "But- wait, you were pregnant? When? I-I didn't even realise. Why didn't you tell me? What happened? Did you-? You didn't- Tell me you didn't-"

Bev shook his head. "Miscarriage got to me before I could abort it. I was never going to keep it. It was never meant to survive anyway. It wasn't healthy. It might've killed me if it hadn't aborted itself."

Jeff gave him a concerned look. "What are you talking about? Why wasn't it healthy?"

A chill went up Bev's spine at the memory. "It was ectopic, Jeff. We didn't catch it soon enough. It was tearing me apart by the time it decided to miscarry. It ruptured- it ruptured things. That's why I bled. I've got scars I never wanted to have from a pregnancy I was never meant to be burdened with. There was so much blood. I nearly died. That's how serious it was."

Jeff fell silent. He stood up and turned to him, unsure how to feel. "But- I don't understand. When was this? When did you get pregnant anyway?"

Bev turned away from him as he spoke, his voice filled with bitterness. "Remember that last night in Scotland? Yeah, that night."

Jeff did remember that night, albeit barely. He did remember having sex with him, but how had he fallen pregnant from that? They'd done everything they'd always done, taken all the usual- He suddenly looked horrified as he realised what had happened. "Oh, shit. I fucked up again, didn't I?"

Bev sighed and looked back at him. "Yeah, you did. I know we were drunk, but I did ask you. I don't make many demands, Jeff, but that's one of the most important ones. It might not be easy for me to get pregnant, but until I've had all my surgeries, you have to be careful with me. That's the only demand I have if you want to sleep with me. I don't think it's that hard to cope with."

Jeff tried to hide his embarrassment and shame. "It's not, I know it isn't. I'm so sorry about that. I just- I never thought you could- if I'd known it was possible, I never would've- you know that, right? I just didn't think. I didn't think it was a problem."

"No, you didn't think. You never do. Can we just take a break for a while? I need some time to myself," Bev said.

"Oh, yer not leaving the band, are you?" Jeff said, trying not to panic.

Bev shot him a look. "Oh, fuck off. No."

Turning his back on him, Bev walked away from him, trying to clear his head. He wasn't sure he'd really meant that. Maybe he really did want to leave after all.

Jeff rested a hand on his shoulder. Bev shook it away.

"Bev, please, just talk to me, will you? What's wrong?"

"Just leave it, Jeff. I don't want to talk about it right now."

Jeff watched him walk away, leaving him standing there, unsure what to do. He wasn't used to Bev being so cold towards him. The last time they'd been together, that last night in Scotland, they'd been nothing but happy. Bev had been happy. Hadn't he?

* * *

_Jeff pulled him close, running his hands down his back. Bev kissed him and shoved him away playfully. They'd both had a few by now; the empty champagne bottles from the last rider of the tour lay forgotten on the floor beside the bed. Jeff smiled the first genuine smile Bev had seen all tour as his hands slipped under his shirt._

_"Oi, not yet, man. We got all night. Why the fuck do you wanna rush all of a sudden?" Bev said, pulling away from him._

_Jeff reached for him. "Aww, c'mon, I wanna make it last, that's why. I ain't gonna see you til bloody February. You gonna make me hold on til then?"_

_Bev laughed. "Ha! Sure, like you can last that long."_

_Jeff persisted, grabbing his hands as he twirled him around. "Aww, c'mon, man, gimme a chance."_

_Bev had no time to stop himself as Jeff pulled him back down onto the bed, pulling him close. Bev wasn't inclined to get up again, and they kissed, Jeff's hands slipping inside his shirt. He gave him a half-smile as they lay there in each other's arms. The warmth growing between them brought Bev round._

_"Alright, go on then. Anyone'd think you were going to miss me."_

* * *

Jeff found Bev round the side with the dogs. Clearly this wasn't going to be an easy meeting, and Jeff almost wondered if he should just leave like Bev asked. He kept back, watching him. He didn't know what to say. He hadn't planned to get Bev pregnant. He hadn't thought that was possible. That he had managed it, in spite of everything, left him feeling guilty. The aftermath had obviously left Bev quite traumatised, otherwise he'd have wanted to discuss it with him. He would've told him.

"I'm sorry, Bev. I never meant to- y'know. Get you pregnant. I never wanted that to happen."

Bev stood and turned to face him as he lifted his shirt up, revealing the scars from the pregnancy. They were still a little red, but at least the stitches were gone and they didn't look so raw and awful anymore. That didn't make them any easier to look at though. The cool night air made them itch, and he cringed a little at having to reveal them at all, even if it was the only way to get his point across.

Bev's expression was harsh and angry as he approached him. "This is what I'm dealing with. It's worse than it looks, and it has looked worse, but it'll heal. I need some time off though. I need to recover. I'm not allowed to drum yet, and anyway, this- this is just all too recent. The scars haven't left me yet. You have no idea what I've been through, and I'd appreciate it if you just left me the fuck alone for a while."

Jeff winced and pulled back as he was hit with a wave of nausea. They looked like serious scars. He wanted to reach out and touch them, but wasn't sure if that was a good idea. He felt sick at the thought of a baby growing inside him tearing him apart. The image of him lying in a pool of blood was not a pleasant one, and he shut his eyes a moment as he tried to push the image aside. It compounded the guilt he felt as he realised what he'd done to him. This wasn't just something that could be shrugged off as if it didn't matter.

"Yeah, I understand. Take as long as you need. I still wish you'd told me, though. I could've- y'know, been there for you. I'd have supported you, you know that, right? I wouldn't have abandoned you."

Bev had expected that reaction. "Don't, Jeff. Please. Just because we sleep together doesn't mean you have any claim over me. It's just sex. If you've fallen in love, that's your problem. That was never part of the deal."

Jeff didn't reply immediately. "I-I never meant it that way. I never said that. But it was my baby too, though, right? Didn't I get any say in it at all? Why didn't you tell me about it so we could've talked about it? I know I didn't mean to do that, and I wouldn't have made you keep it if you didn't want to, but- it was mine. Why wouldn't you tell me?"

Bev gazed at the ground, his hands slipping into his coat pockets as a distraction. He hesitated, wondering if telling Jeff would be better than just telling him to fuck off again. "You really want to know?"

"Yeah, I do. If- look, I did this. This was my fault. Don't I deserve an explanation? Don't I deserve to know why?"

Bev looked at him, thinking over his words. Jeff's pleading look made his mind up for him. He sighed. "I didn't want to tell you, to be honest. When I found out, all I wanted to do was abort it and forget the whole thing had ever happened. I was too scared of being found out, and anyway, it wasn't like I was in the best state to carry a child. My body wasn't ready. I thought abortion was probably the best choice, and I'm still sure it was, but I didn't get to choose in the end. I found out I was pregnant just before the European tour and put off getting it done til I got back. Getting that done was just as frightening to me as continuing with the pregnancy. They're women's things, and I'm not a woman. I just wanted the tour to be over before I dealt with the fallout. But luck wasn't on my side. I was twelve weeks pregnant when I lost it, you know. But I'm not meant to get pregnant. It's not supposed to be possible, not in the state I'm in."

Bev shrugged his shoulders ambivalently as he walked past him, gazing out at the gardens. Jeff moved beside him, wondering what he was thinking.

"I don't know. Maybe it was tour stress. Maybe it was just the tour. I'm not always so good at keeping my shots up when we're away. Too many different countries and Customs I can't be bothered dealing with most of the time, so I don't always bring everything with me, even though I know I should. But I hardly had a functioning cycle, so I can only assume it was a freak of nature. It happened, whatever the cause, and I still don't really know how to deal with this, even though I had no intention of keeping it. There was no way that I could've kept that child, even if I'd wanted it. I'm too famous. Everyone would've found out about all this. That wasn't born male. That's not something I'm willing to risk."

"But I would've looked after you. I could've- it wouldn't have been a problem. We could've pushed the tour back, postponed it or something. It wouldn’t have been a problem. You were really going to abort it? You were going to kill our child? Why? Why couldn't you have kept it?"

Bev glanced at him. Jeff hadn't seen him look so utterly exhausted before. "Looking after me isn't your job. I thought I just made it clear why I couldn't have kept it? See, this is what I didn't want to have to go through. I knew you'd try to talk me out of it. You'd want to be involved. That's what you do, isn't it? You get involved. But you understand that I could never have kept it, don't you? Given my position, given how everyone accepts me as a man, do you really believe I could have continued with the pregnancy, even if it had a realistic chance of survival? I'm a man, Jeff. Yes, a man with a uterus, but so what? I'm not the one who gets pregnant. Society would never accept that. I'm far too well-known to get away with it. That's why I had to get rid of it. I'm sorry if you're upset, but this was never something I wanted to involve you in. It never concerned you. So don't you dare get angry with me. You don't have that right. This is my pain, not yours. It was my baby, my body. It was only ever my decision to make."

"But it was mine too. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Jeff said.

Bev shrugged, unapologetic. "It wouldn't have mattered if it had been a stranger's child. I'd still have aborted it. You've never understood how dangerous my life can be. I can't hide behind anonymity now. I'm too exposed to survive this sort of thing. It's hard enough for a woman to get an abortion these days. I'd never have stood a chance. Can you really imagine me walking into one of those clinics and getting away without anyone noticing at all? Do you really believe that would've been possible?"

"I, well, surely they'd have something in place, it would've been possible, surely your doctors could've-"

Bev shook his head. "Not for me. No way in hell would I get away with that. Even if I took Val with me as a cover, I doubt we still could've got in and out without being noticed. You've seen the protestors. There's always someone watching, and there's no protection. Women get hurt and abused before they even get inside. It's just not safe there."

Jeff didn't know what to say. He had heard about that. His wife had talked about it, back before they were married when she had been his mistress instead. She was terrified of going to a clinic, unsure what she was meant to do as an unmarried woman who was carrying the child of the man she'd been having an affair with. Her fears had been far too influential, and he'd promised to take care of her and their baby properly. It's why he'd married her. Perhaps that's why Bev hadn't told him about the pregnancy. He did tend to get clingy about his children. He'd want to get involved, like he'd said. Maybe he had gone too deep with their relationship. Maybe it was time to draw back.

"Why don't I go? I'm sorry I upset you; I never meant to hurt you. I didn't want any of this to happen. You take as long as you need. Call me when you're ready to come back, yeah?" Jeff said, moving to leave.

Bev brushed him off, his anger fading. "No, don't go. You're alright. I'm sorry if I'm being evasive. I just haven't had time to deal with everything that's happened. I hadn't expected any of this to happen, and it's shaken me badly. I'm still shocked this happened to me."

"So why don't you explain it to me then? I mean, maybe it'd help to talk about it? I want to understand. I've- you know I've always tried to make things alright for you, so you can still do this. I just want to know what I can do for you. I know yer not, y'know, vulnerable or anything, but what about us? Don't we matter anymore?" Jeff ventured.

Bev sighed. He folded his arms against his chest, wondering how he could avoid talking to him about it now. He still considered Jeff a friend, didn't he? Maybe talking wasn't such a bad idea. "Come inside. I'll- I won't tell you everything, but I'll tell you enough. Will that do?"

Yeah, that'd be good."

* * *

_They'd finished off another bottle of champagne in between tearing each other's clothes off. Jeff had already left a charming hickey on his neck, and was proceeding down his chest, leaving a trail of wet kisses and soft bites in his wake. Bev was happily warm and giggly, and Jeff was more pliant than Bev was used to. He grinned up at him stupidly, eyes filled with drunk adoration. In any other circumstance, that look would have irritated Bev, but at that moment, it was just adorable._

_Jeff pulled him into a kiss, his fingers tangling in his hair. "Wish you were mine, y'know."_

_"Wish all you want. It ain't happening. Just hurry up and fuck me already. Make it a good one. I'm going to miss having you around," Bev said._

_Jeff went to answer, but Bev was already shifting into position in front. His hard cock was not going to be discouraged. He kissed Bev again as they got comfortable. There were times when Bev wanted to discourage Jeff from fucking him in front so much, but he wasn't in the mood to argue. He would just have to be the man with the pussy one more time before he could go back home again and stop pretending it didn't bug him._

_Jeff kept shifting around, pinning Bev down as he found the most comfortable position. "So, y'ready?"  
"I was ready hours ago," Bev murmured as he felt Jeff push against him. He could feel his cock ready to breech his vagina, the head probing in hard. "Oh, hey. You got everything? Y 'know, protection and what not? Cos if you don't, I'll have to-"_

_"Nah, it's alright, Bev, I remembered," Jeff said._

_Bev smiled at him and patted his cheek. "Good boy."_

_Steadying themselves, Jeff thrust forward slowly, encouraged by the look of sheer pleasure he could see on Bev's face. He was fucking him in front, if only because that was the position they happened to get themselves into. Jeff was never sure which one he liked better. Both had their benefits. He breathed in as Bev rolled them both over and pushed his shoulders down against the bed. Bev pushing hard against him. He grasped his hips and thrust harder._

* * *

It was a bit of a stalling tactic, if Bev was being honest. He hadn't told anyone except his wife and his best friend Jasper. They were the only ones who knew all his secrets. Telling Jeff would take more courage than he felt he had at that moment. Quietly, so as not to wake his son, he led Jeff back inside the house. He wasn't sure where to go. How was he meant to tell Jeff when he could hardly talk about it himself?

"Wait here. I need to get something," Bev said, leaving Jeff in the lounge.

He was distracted, and looking for distractions. For lack of other ideas, he headed upstairs to his study. Standing in the doorway, he wondered if he couldn't just stay up there for a while until Jeff went away. But that thought didn't stay. That wasn't an option. Jeff knew about the pregnancy. He knew about his body. Out there, in the cold garden, he'd committed to telling him something. He might as well get it over with and get on with life.

It was with great trepidation that he pulled out his diary from his desk drawer. It contained the only thing that baby had left behind: an ultrasound photograph. Slipping it out from the pages, it still hurt to look at, and he took a moment to calm his emotions, scolding himself for even feeling the way he did about a foetus he hadn't wanted in the first place. A hand rubbed his stomach, feeling nothing but the scars left behind. It sent a sick pain to his stomach, and a chill ran up his spine. Val came up beside him then, leaning in close to him. She waited for him to speak as they gazed at the photo together. She reached around to rest a hand on his stomach, and Bev fought back a tear.

"You alright?" she asked softly.

Bev took a deep breath, steading his emotions. "Jeff wants to know. I don't know if I'm ready, but it has to be done sooner or later."

"Do you want me there?"

Bev thought a moment. "No, I'd rather do this alone. I don't want to spook him. Thanks, though."

She leant up and kissed his cheek. He smiled and hugged her close. He needed her strength. She'd been his greatest supporter when he had no one else. He could never thank her enough for that.

She pulled away, smiling up at him. "I'll be in bed if you need me. Good luck. I think you'll need it."

Bev stifled a laugh. "Maybe you should be there after all. I might need you to stop me strangling him."

"Just keep the noise down. I know what you boys are like," she teased. "I'll leave you to it. You can tell me all about it later."

"I will, don't you worry about that."

He didn't want to do this alone, but he felt it was the only way he'd get through it. He needed to have Jeff on his own and tell him what he could bare to talk about. Then maybe Jeff might understand why he'd done what he'd done. Slipping the ultrasound photograph back in the diary, he took it and returned to Jeff, hoping this would be as painless as possible.

* * *

_Bev wasn't sure how late it was. He was feeling much better now that Jeff had worn off all his tour stress. Jeff lay there beside him, unable to help lighting up as he gazed dreamily up at the ceiling. Bev curled against his body, finishing the last of the champagne. He chased the last dregs down the neck of the bottle. They trickled down his throat, burning slightly as they went. The empty bottle was unsympathetically discarded, rolling off the bed onto the floor with the others._

_"I'm so ready to go home," Bev sighed, pulling the duvet up over their bodies._

_Jeff glanced over at him. A finger lazily brushed his cheek as he smiled at him. "I'll miss you, love."_

_Bev stifled a laugh and brushed him off. "You never miss me."_

_His smile faded. "I do, though. I really do. Y'ground me, y'know? M'heart's so lonely when yer not here."_

_Bev sat up and pulled away from him. Jeff was always like this when he got drunk enough. He reached a certain point where he got affectionate, and at that moment, Bev wasn't particularly keen to cuddle. He had noticed that Jeff kept making it clear he had fallen for him; the number of drunken confessions of love he'd heard throughout the latter part of the tour was higher than he was used to. Bev was not interested in the slightest, and tried his best to discourage him. His heart was already taken._

_"Just leave it, Jeff."_

_Jeff rolled over as he watched Bev walk back into the bathroom, gazing after him longingly. Once the bathroom door closed, Jeff rolled over onto his back, hoping the ceiling would distract him from all those things he never liked thinking about. He was in no state to accept that Bev would never be his._

_"He'll come round, I know he will. He wouldn't leave me like this."_

_Bev didn't hear him crying._

* * *

Jeff was sitting on the sofa waiting for him. Bev took a seat beside him and wondered where on earth he was meant to start. He could hardly avoid it now. Clasping the diary in his hands, he didn't want to let it go. He needed to do this in his own time. Jeff shifted so he was looking at him, trying to be as supportive as he could. Bev just thought that made it worse. He took a minute to settle his nerves as he worked out where to begin.

"I want to you let me speak for once without interrupting me. This is still really raw and it's hard to talk about. There are things I just can't talk about right now, not because I don't want to tell you, but because there hasn't been enough time to deal with them yet. So if I can't talk about- when I was taken to hospital, please don't push me. I really can't talk about that yet. I still get nightmares about it. I haven't finished grieving yet. So just- will you respect that for once? It's nothing personal, but this is a deeply traumatic thing for me to talk about. It's just not easy right now. Can you accept that?" Bev said.

His serious tone concerned Jeff a little, but he nodded his head in agreement anyway. He didn't want to hurt him if he could help it. If there were things he wouldn't know right now, he'd just have to deal with that. Maybe one day he'd know, but he could let it go for now. "Don't worry, I can go with that. Take yer time, yeah? I got all night."

Bev managed a weak smile, but appreciated his concern. "Thanks. I haven't really had a chance to talk to anyone else about this before, apart from Val and Jasper. It's too dangerous to let just anyone know about it, about being born in the wrong body, particularly when you're intent on becoming a pop star like I was, courting fame and fortune. You learn to keep secrets, and you learn very quickly who you can trust. Maybe you might never have twigged, because I looked so much like a man back then, but I think I made it look easy. It's really not, you know. This pregnancy was an unwanted reminder of my biological sex that I really didn't need right now. It's made me feel like a stupid ugly girl who'll never be accepted as a man. You know that week in hospital? I thought about killing myself every day, just so everything would stop. I wouldn't have to live with this broken body anymore. I don't know if you can comprehend what that's like, to be born into the wrong body. I've had to fight my whole life for this. I'm always fighting for acceptance. I always have to prove myself, and sometimes I think it'll never be enough. All the money in the world will never be enough. That's really hard to deal with."

Jeff hadn't heard Bev talk like that before. The sadness in his voice stung hard. It was beginning to dawn on him just how much he didn't know. He wanted to speak, but couldn't find the words. Instead, he reached for his hand and held it gently. He felt it was all he could do. Bev was right. He'd never understand it, not really, but at least he could try.

"I never thought of you as a woman, you know, even when we, y'know, had sex like that. You just had a different body. It never mattered to me," Jeff said.

Bev stifled a smile, trying to be as understanding as he wanted Jeff to be. "You've never slept with a proper man though. Sometimes I felt like what we had wasn't authentic because I wasn't really a man to you. I was the man you were allowed to sleep with because I wasn't really a man. You could fuck me in front like a woman and it wouldn’t be gay. And don't tell me you never had any attraction to other men. I've seen you flirting with them. But I was the only one you ever took to bed, wasn't I?"

Jeff took a slow breath. He'd never thought of it that way. He suddenly felt ashamed. He didn't like being reminded about that, and he didn't like being reminded about Bev and what they'd shared. "I never- y'know I didn't mean it like that. I never meant for you to feel that way about it. It's hard for you to be a man, yeah? Well, it's hard for me to - accept that side of me. The one that likes men. It's not comparable, I know. I got married and everything, and I was happy. But it never goes away, that gnawing feeling like I'm never gonna be good enough. But I'm not brave like you. I feel too ashamed by it. Pride is something other people have. Me, I've just got a head full of bad memories and shame I can't get rid of."

Bev glanced over at him. He'd seen that look far too many times in all his other queer friends. Jeff had never been very good at hiding it, in spite of his protestations. He wondered if Jeff even had any queer friends, apart from him. Maybe that's why he was so – maybe that's just how he was. Jeff had never particularly wanted to talk about it, so he'd left him alone. Bev rubbed his back gently, trying to offer him some support. For a moment, at least, it wasn't all about him.

"It helps having good people around you. They make you strong when you're not sure you're able to face the world. But I know how hard it is too, being in the position we're in. They never stop watching, do they? I don't blame you for hiding away all the time," Bev said.

Jeff shrugged a little, and refused to look at him. "I think I always knew, but she never- she always said she'd be so disappointed. I just wanted her to love me. That's all any kid wants. But she couldn't do it, so I learnt to hide it away. It was easier then. We both pretended everything was fine, but inside I was dying. It's just so hard to talk about, and you always had more problems anyway. Mine didn't matter, not fer that."

"I never understood your reluctance to talk about that with me. I would've listened, you know, if you'd bothered to bring it up. I wouldn't have shunned you," Bev said.

Jeff shrugged; Bev thought he looked like he was trying to curl up and hide. "I just- it weren't important. You mattered more than my-" He gestured vaguely and sighed, defeated. "I had it easier. I thought you needed me more than I needed you."

Bev raised an eyebrow. He hadn't realised that. Jeff wasn't exactly known for his selflessness. "Yeah? Well, at least you can pass and no one gives a shit. No one looks at you and questions your identity. I envy you so much for that. No one doubts you, or says it's all in your head. It's always been hard for me, particularly when I was younger and didn't have as much confidence about it like I do now. Can you imagine it? I wasn't even twenty yet, I just wanted to have sex with girls, but it was just so hard because everything about me was wrong. I was too afraid to go too far with them in case they got freaked out by it. But then I met Val so it wasn't as big a problem as it could've been. She was more understanding than I could've hoped for, and she didn't mind at all. Sure, our lives would be more difficult because of it, but she never seemed daunted by it. She loved me, and she didn't want me to be alone. Maybe one day when I'm legally male, I'll be able to marry her at last. That's all I really want now. That's all I really care about," Bev said.

"You're not legally male? I didn't realise you needed to get it changed like that. I thought you'd have done it years ago, so I just- I just assumed you were, that it was that simple to do. Like changing yer name and such," Jeff said.

Bev shook his head and gazed at the floor. "I wish it was that simple. But I still need those reproductive parts removed. That's all I need, I think, before they'll sign off, unless they change the standards again. I'd have liked to get it done earlier, but you get talked out of all sorts of shit when you're young. They wouldn't remove my uterus back then, not when I was barely an adult. They kept saying I might want kids one day, that maybe I'd grow out of this desire to be a man and I'd regret having them taken out. I might wake up as a woman one day and suddenly I'd be sterile and wouldn't that be such a fucking tragedy? And maybe I do want kids, but I'm a man, I'm not the one who's going to give birth to them. It took me years to persuade them this wasn't a phase, that this is who I am. I was binding my chest for years until I convinced my doctors to remove my breasts. But then the band took over and I never had enough time to recover, so I kept putting the rest of my surgeries off until I could have at least half a year to rest." He paused a moment, stifling a laugh. "It's funny, you'd think they'd have done it before when I miscarried, wouldn't you? It would've been so simple to remove it and have it all done in one go. But those bastards were too polite to do it without my consent. To be fair, they were busy trying to save my life, for which I'm eternally grateful, and wasn't in any sort of state to consent to anything. But I missed my chance, and now they won't do it for at least a year. All this needs to heal first before they'll go back in. They don't want me bleeding to death. Don't get me wrong, I understand their concern, but it just means I have to keep putting it off and all the while I've had a kid out of wedlock and people judge you for that. It's not even my kid, not really, but I don’t feel bad about that anymore. We did what we had to do to have a baby, even if it cost more money than I'd hoped."

"Oh, yeah, it'd be hard fer you to have kids, wouldn't it? I never even thought of that. You'd have to do that, y'know that test tube thing, wouldn't you? Or, I dunno, find a man to father them for you," Jeff said.

Bev did his best to ignore that last remark and not take it as a slight against his own gender. "It's IVF, and yeah, it took us a long time. We were one of the first couples to try, and because I was hardly going to let them take my eggs, they only used Val's, and a sperm donor. I don't feel like I can out myself like that, just to have a biological child. The risks aren't worth it. We had to lie about my fertility, and we had to pretend we were already married. It's the only time we've ever lied about it. They wouldn't have accepted us if we hadn't been married. We wanted kids too badly to tell the truth, and we were running out of time. She miscarried a few times before Adrian came along. At least she understands what I'm going through now."

Jeff looked genuinely apologetic as he reached for his hands. "Bev, if you'd just said something- it wouldn't have been a problem. I'd have given you the time if you'd asked, you know. You'd have had as much time as you wanted. I hate to think I've stopped you doing that, being able to live the way you want. You should be able to get married just like me, no matter what you've had done to yer body. I'd let you marry the way you are now."

Bev gave him a half-smile. "Thanks. It's a pity you're not the one who gets to decide when I'm a man. You wanna know what's ridiculous? I had to be diagnosed as gay first before they'd let me transition. It was some bullshit way of making sense of my desire to be a man. I needed them too much to disobey them. They were the only ones who could give me testosterone, and let me have surgery to change my body. But it hardly matters now. That's not how they do things anymore, thank God."

"That's kinda why I never wanted to- y'know, come out. I grew up with that shit being illegal. It was some kind of madness. They could lock you up as a madman for that. Or throw you in jail. And all for being gay. I was too fucking scared to say anything. I didn't want that happening to me. Me mum would've been in hysterics. Might've disowned me too. We aren't as close as we used to be," Jeff said.

Bev brought him into a hug. "The world is stupid. People like us are so damaged now. Not all of us have survived, and that's a bloody shame. Breaks my heart to think of everyone we've lost."

Jeff felt alienated then. He'd never been as connected in with all the queer people Bev knew. He'd been too scared to out himself. He didn't know anyone who'd died, except the baby he'd fathered with Bev. He couldn't help glancing at Bev's stomach, imaging the scars and the baby tearing him apart. He closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about that. He didn't know quite why he was so upset about it. It's not like he didn't have his own children. Why did it matter that this foetus had died? It wasn't going to make it anyway.

Bev didn't speak. Unlike Jeff, he knew far too many queer friends who'd died, or been murdered. He was lucky; he had money and fame, and wasn't going to starve on the streets. But it didn't help him sleep at night. Every time he went out, he couldn't help wondering if anyone would notice. He was constantly afraid that someone would out him and his life would be over. Then he'd be the one out on the streets, being bashed to death for being a tranny. That word had not lost its potency after all these years, after all the times it had been thrown at him or his friends. He wiped a tear away, trying to settle himself. Now was not the time to fall to pieces.

Jeff broke the silence. "Y-Our baby didn't make it, either. I-I know you're allowed to grieve an' all, and I'd never think to say you couldn't, but can't I grieve too? Can't I say goodbye?"

Bev reached for the diary. He hesitated before pulling out the ultrasound photo to show Jeff. "That's all I have. That's the only proof I have that it ever existed."

Jeff took the photo and gazed at it in awe. It wasn't very clear, but he'd seen enough ultrasounds to know what to look for. He could see the head and belly, and he could just make out hands and feet.

"You were really pregnant, weren't you? That was growing inside you before it-" Jeff inhaled sharply, fighting back his emotions. "Did you ever find out if it was a-"

"It was a boy, apparently. But I had no real time to take that in before I miscarried. It's a horrible thing. I can't stand the reminder that my body's wrong. This was meant to get better, I was meant to be alright with this, but it hasn't gone away. Every day I look at those scars and remember what I went through. That bloody baby has shaken me so much. All I hear in my head is that I'm still a bloody woman. I'll never be a man. I put that stone in the garden to try to heal. I hoped it might help me put it behind me. But I'm still afraid to go out. I don't want to have to explain it to people. I'm not strong enough to do that yet. It's not normal surgery. It's not something I feel I can just talk about with no worries at all," Bev said.

"Yeah, I get that. But what's so wrong about it anyway? Why did it affect you so much?" Jeff asked.

Bev felt defeated and tired, and he slunk back against the sofa, gazing absently at the carpet. "I miscarried. I was pregnant. It makes me feel like none of this is real. It's all just in my fucking head, and no one will ever believe me. It reminds me of my biological sex. I have a uterus and I can get pregnant. I'll never have proper male genitals. I'll always have to take testosterone to make sure I keep looking like a man. There are days when I feel like a fraud, even more so since the miscarriage. I keep looking at the scars and wanting to tear myself open and rip out the offending parts before I go mad. Anyone who's been through what I've been through will recognise them. They'll know. I'm marked now. I'll forever have these marks all over my stomach that tell the world what I really am. I'm a woman. I've been pregnant. I'm not a real man. I'm a fucking tranny whore, the man with a pussy. Don't you realise how much those words still hurt? They wound like these scars do. They hurt, Jeff, every time someone throws them at me. They make me want to hide away from the world and not let them anywhere near me. I can't bear the thought of going out there in public anymore. At least, not right now. Maybe once I've recovered, maybe then. But not now. I can't do it, Jeff. I just can't."

Jeff reached for his hand and squeezed it gently. "Two more albums. That's all I'm asking. No tours, just recording. That's all I'm asking."

Bev didn't bother replying. He got up and left him behind. He'd never felt so insulted in his life.

* * *

_Bev lay there, tired and sleepy. His body ached in all the right places. Jeff was beside him, fast asleep. He'd passed out once they'd fucked, the alcohol making him too sleepy to make much of a go of it. Bev felt they really should stop having drunken sex, but it was hard when they were touring when they were surrounded by alcohol. Maybe they should just stop having sex at all. That might solve some of his problems._

_With a sigh, he got up and went to the bathroom to shower. It was the moment he realised not everything down between his legs was vaginal fluid and lube. He took a moment to calm himself. It had happened before, but nothing had ever come of it, so he'd never worried about it. It wasn't like he could get pregnant anyway. He was meant to be sterile, or so his doctor kept telling him. Testosterone was meant to have taken care of that. The deception was what hurt the most though. He always asked. Jeff knew that. Why would he lie about it?_

_"It's far too late, and I'm far too drunk, to be thinking about conspiracies. Maybe he just forgot. I barely remembered myself."_

_He cleaned himself up and had a shower, washing several weeks' worth of tour stress away. His one consolation was that he'd be home tomorrow. That was all he really cared about, being home with Val and their son. But as he lay there beside him, trying to drift off to sleep, he wasn't sure he'd entirely convinced himself of Jeff's innocence, as he saw him lying there, semen dribbling down his bare cock._

_"You fucking arsehole," Bev cursed under his breath and rolled over away from him, dragging the duvet out from under him._

* * *

Bev went through to the games room. If he'd felt up to it, he'd have sat at his kit and bashed the hell out of it. Anything to get rid of the frustration he was feeling. But he wasn't allowed to play for another month, and even then, there was no way he was bashing the hell out of anything for another two months. He wasn't meant to strain himself. He scuffed his shoe against the floor, scowling at the wall. He felt helpless and weak, deprived of his usual methods of dealing with stress.

"Why _the fuck_ doesn't he understand?"

"I'm sorry, Bev. That- I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry."

Bev turned to see Jeff standing in the doorway. "So you bloody well should be, you bastard."  
Jeff stepped forward, apologetic. "Look, I'm trying, alright? But this is a lot to take in all at once. Give me a chance, yeah?"

"I've given you plenty of those, already. I'm not expecting you to understand, but have some fucking sensitivity for once. A month ago, I was lying on a stretcher half bleeding to death as my body ejected a baby you fathered. This is a big fucking mess I never wanted to have to deal with. If you hadn't been so careless, I could've avoided all that, so please accept that I'm allowed to be angry at you," Bev said, turning to face him.

"How many times am I going to have to apologise for that? I said I was sorry. We were drunk. I know it's not an excuse, but it happened. I didn't think. I'm sorry, alright? I never wanted to get you pregnant. I didn't even think you could. But you're right, I don't understand. But I'm trying, Bev. Give me something here," Jeff said.

Bev took a moment to think before he approached him. "I'm sorry, but I can't do this anymore. I just can't. I just want to stay home and watch my boy grow up. This-this has just taken too much out of me. I don't have the energy anymore. I need to heal and recover. I don't want to do anything else but that. I'm sorry, Jeff. I wish I had more strength, more resilience, but I don't. I can't do this. We had a good run, though, and I don't regret any of it, but I have to stop now. I'm sorry. You understand that, don't you?"

Jeff stood there, looking defeated. "I 'spose I was being too optimistic you'd come back, hey? But yer right, you need time for yourself now. I'll miss you though. You'll be hard to replace. But I know why you're doing this. I'm sorry if all this was my fault. I never wanted this to happen."

"I never wanted it to end like this either, but I think it's for the best. My heart's just not in it anymore. I'm sorry," Bev said.

Jeff didn't go for a goodbye kiss. Bev wasn't sure he'd have let him if he'd tried, though. He wasn't ready to be intimate. He hated his body too much for that. He wasn't sure when that would go away.

"D'you want me to go now? Leave you in peace?" Jeff said, turning towards the door.

Bev sighed. "Yeah, I'd appreciate that. I'm sorry. I'll talk to you after Easter. Tell them not to bother me til I call you. I need some time."

Jeff touched his shoulder. "Yeah, I know. I understand. I'll leave it with you. Happy Easter, by the way."

Bev stifled a laugh. "Yeah, happy fucking Easter."

* * *

_Bev woke a few hours later to Jeff softly stroking his shoulder. He flinched and pulled away. His head ached, and he wasn't ready to be awake yet. He certainly wasn't ready for Jeff to start fucking around with him again as he felt a hand slide down between his legs.._

_"Fuck off, 'm tired," Bev growled, pulling the duvet over his head as he rolled away from him._

_Jeff slid an arm around him and brought him close. "You feel as shithouse as I do then?"_

_Bev glared at him. Jeff let him go and shifted away._

_"I'll take that as a yes," Jeff said._

_Bev closed his eyes and wished his hangover would fuck off, that Jeff would fuck off, and he could sleep in fucking peace just for one fucking night. He buried his head under the duvet and tried to sleep. He felt Jeff shift over and settle. He hoped he was sleeping too. The last thing he needed was a cranky Jeff beside him as they headed home. That would make the last leg home unbearable._

* * *

Locking the front door after seeing Jeff off, he wondered if he hadn't made the right decision. But the thought of another two or three years of recording felt far too daunting now. The mere thought of it made him reel back in horror. No, it was not something he wanted to do anymore. It was time to let it all go and move on. It wasn't worth the price anymore.

All he wanted to do now was get those final surgeries done. He would take the time to rest and recover, and maybe they'd finally sign off at last. Maybe he'd finally be legally male, after struggling all his life to convince everyone what his real gender was. Maybe he'd finally be able to marry Val like he'd wanted to do for nearly two decades. They were technically engaged, but they weren't allowed to go any further than that, so it had become a very long engagement. He was sure most of his friends and family had forgotten that, though. He was sure they still thought they weren't committed in that way. But he decided not to dwell on that. Instead, he smiled at the thought of their future wedding as he headed back upstairs.

He peered into Adrian's room, seeing him sleeping in his bed. It was unlikely they'd ever have another child; complications from his birth meant another would be highly unlikely to survive. Bev would cherish the one he had, knowing how much trouble had gone into getting just one child. He did worry about whether he would be a good father. His own dad had died when he was ten. He wasn't sure he remembered enough to feel like he knew what he was doing. Everything he knew about parenting he'd learnt from his mother.

Quietly, he slipped in and pressed a soft kiss to his head. He didn't wake, but Bev didn't mind. Whispering a last goodnight, he half-closed the door and returned to their bedroom, where he found Val in bed reading.

She looked up at him as he entered. "So, how did it go?"

His body slumped and everything about him looked tired as he undressed and crawled into bed. "I quit the band. That's how well it went."

She looked pleased. "Does that mean I finally get you all to myself at last?"

Bev shifted beside her, and managed a smile. "When I'm not playing golf, sure. You'll have my undivided attention."

She playfully slapped his cheek and kissed him. "It's a good thing I like you." Her smile faded as she set her book down. "So how are you really?"

Bev took a moment to gather his thoughts. "I don't want to talk about it. At least it's over now. I'll be alright though. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not next week, but I'll be alright. As long as you're here, I'll be alright."

She clasped his hand and kissed it softly before curling up beside him. "Yes, you will. We'll get married one day, and then all of this won't matter. You'll always be the man I love. Nothing will ever change that."

He smiled and brought her into a lingering kiss, genuinely enjoying her touch for the first time since he'd miscarried.

"You're allowed to grieve, you know," she said as she rested a hand on his stomach. "I know it feels wrong to mourn for a child you never wanted, but it helps. Trust me, I've been there, remember?"

He breathed in deeply, pushing back his emotions. He rested his hand on top of hers, and tried to pretend his body hadn't been invaded. "I can't. Every time I think about it, it triggers me. Acknowledging that doesn't help, not for me. I don't think I'll ever be alright until those parts inside me are gone. Right now, I just feel like I've spent all my life pretending to be a man, and all these bloody emotions are ruining things. I feel like I shouldn't be upset about it, but I am. How do you even deal with it? When will it all stop hurting?"

"Only you can do that. Grieving for it won't turn you into a woman. You know that's not how it works. Everyone grieves in their own way. Maybe you just haven't found your way yet," she said.

Bev didn't reply. He had too much to think about. She didn't push him further, and after another lingering kiss, they settled down in bed, his arms around her. This was where his life was. Nothing else mattered.


End file.
